litter you can sit on

Normally I would say “litter upon which one could sit” but that’s just wrong.  One should not be a prisoner to language.  Anyway…

I got thinking about One-Shot after my posting about paddles and painting them, and realized where I learned about that wonderful substance.  It’s all because a decade ago I worked with an artist who used to paint bus benches.

Back then (he says in a crotchety old voice, punching the tip of his cane into the air in front of him for emphasis), a bus bench was made of wood or some wood-like substance, not out of recycled milk jugs, so painting them was an option, even if it meant someone would often obliterate your logo with their ample backside and a bag of groceries.

People do still advertise on bus benches, even if they are plastic and designed so that a homeless person can’t get comfortable laying on one.  One could argue this is a monstrosity on a number of levels: aesthetically, it’s repugnant; morally it’s callous.  The guy who designed this probably sleeps on one of those memory foam mattresses.

I can see someone saying that I wouldn’t want homeless people sleeping on a bench in front of my shop.  They’d be right; I have a nice little spot behind that shop that is in the sun and much more comfortable.

Today is, apparently, Digression Day.  Apologies.

According to benchguys.com, you should advertise on benches because:

1. The most cost effective way to advertise your business.
2. Your advertisement is placed at eye-level, roadside locations.
3. Your advertisement is seen by many thousands of people, each and every day.
4. Exposure 24 hours per day, 7 days per week, 365 days per year.
5. Create brand awareness and name recognition.
6. Direct your customers to your business.

Let us analyse and apply logic to the above statements:

1. An inductive argument without cogency. That supposes the argument has been researched thoroughly and no cheaper advertising method was discovered.  Well,  for a buck a day I’ll draw your logo on the foreheads of fifty kids in a kindergarten class.  Q.E.D.  Strike one.
2. As measured in 2009, the average height of a person in the United States (ages 20-29) is about 5’5″ (including all ethnicities and genders).  Bus benches are at least two feet shorter, so even when accounting for the eyes sitting four to five inches below the top of the cranium, I’d say it’s more like crotch level. I’m give this statement Pants-On-Fire status.  Strike two.
3. Seen by, maybe, depending on how much of the time the bench is covered by someone’s lipid-enhanced glutes.  Even so, thousands?  Doesn’t sound like a quantified statement.  Presumed to be false.  Strike three.
4. Exposure?  To the elements, maybe.  Strike four.
5. Another inductive argument with no teeth.  “Because I say so” is not effective persuasion.  Strike five.
6. Ibid.  Strike six, you’re out.  Twice.

Yet…people still do advertise on benches.

Mostly realtors.  And personal injury lawyers.

And for some reason, people who think they know something the rest of us somehow missed…

I am approached by media reps almost daily, offering a way to get the name of my business in front of thousands of people for just pennies a day, etc. etc.  One of them wants to me purchase advertising that markets to people in the process of urination. They, of course, have a nice euphemism for it (“indoor advertising”), because there’s no way to say “put your logo above a urinal” in an appealing way.  And there’s a nice typo on one of the ads on their website…

Sorry, but there should be a few places one can go without receiving a sales pitch.  I believe bathrooms are one of such places.

The aesthetics of advertising has reached a new low.  As I look for ways to market my business, I have sworn off billboards, and, of course, bus benches, the things over gas station pumps, and see while you pee.  I’m always looking for ways to get the word out, so I’m sticking with things that don’t make your eyeballs scream Enough Already!  I am not alone here.

What does this have to do with canoeloving?  Plenty.

Our world has a lot of beauty in it, but it also has plenty of aesthetic challenges*. Noticing the ugly will help you appreciate the beautiful.  It will also inform your behavior when choosing a Realtor or P.I. Attorney.  As far as predicting the return of Christ to the earth…I’d seek better sources of information than a bus bench.

I put this picture here so the last thing you saw would be pretty.  I like corn.

Respectfully submitted,

Canoelover

*Diplomatic at best; disingenuous at worst.