adventures of a canoelover

Romance, sarcasm, mathematics and language all in a neat little package.

http://www.xkcd.com/

Cretons and Moutard (left), Marmelade (right)

…and I didn’t die. It was actually quite good. Sorta like Deviled Ham but with more texture. I added a little Moutard de Meaux because I like mustard on my ham, and frankly, I liked it fine. I hereby retract my prior statements.

The only issue I see is a marketing one. Canadians, in my experience, are not big on blowing their own horns, where Americans, for the most part, get winded blowing theirs. Having a label that says “Pork” doesn’t sell. Having a label that says “Contains only the most delectable parts of content pigs” sounds more like an American product.

Which is why I tend to prefer Canadians these days. Thanks, Rosie.

A “friend” from Montreal gave me a jar of this stuff. “Working man’s pate” he called it. I dunno…I’m a bit afraid. I need some Canadians to tell me (really) if this is safe or not. I suspect it’s the Quebecois equivalent of Vegemite.

I am usually good about eating new stuff, but Canadian cuisine (e.g. Persians) have me a little bit suspicious. Help me Rosiewan Kenobi, you’re my only hope…

1) “Are you going to eat that?”
2) “Do you want to stop at that gas station?”
3) “Are we going to bed early tonight?”

It took me 24 years, but now I can see them coming a mile away.

We escaped the floods in Missouri and scampered over to Nauvoo, IL for a few days of R&R. The place was fairly deserted, which is wonderful compared to the hoards that inundate it in the summer. It is of historic significance to 99% of Utah, so that means a good chunk of Nauvoo is blonde in the summer.

I must say it was weird walking around in a short-sleeve t-shirt and even more weird was sunburning the top of my head, having left my hat behind in the car. I gotta watch it more closely now that I don’t have the protection up top that I used to have.

I did get a short paddle in on Big Muddy, which was bigger and muddier due to the rains, but it was nice (and totally deserted — not even a powerboat, skiff, or barge). The wind was a nice Beaufort 5 gusting to 6, but the Argosy handled it all with aplomb. The only tricky part was passing a moored barge with its beam straight at the wind, causing some clapotis that was more than I would be used to, but again, the Argosy is a fine, fine canoe.

Nauvoo, for those who don’t know, is a small town in Illinois that was a refuge to the Mormons from 1839 to 1845 after being driven from Missouri. Some of my ancestors were involved in draining the swamp and creating what was one of the most beautiful cities on the Mississippi. At its peak more than 40,000 souls lived there, rivaling Chicago.

It was deserted almost as quickly as it was built due to pressure from mobs, general unlawfulness, and I must admit, a growing sense of unease from locals about an emerging theocracy, economic isolationism, and probably a few unstable individuals from both sides who wanted to be important (usually the cause of most troubles). You must recollect that the law in the Midwest at that point was pretty sketchy, and church leaders were routinely arrested and imprisoned on an affidavit from a disgruntled ex-church member who wanted revenge for some perceived insult (like someone calling them on their poor behavior).

Still, it’s a nice place to visit, and the Williamsburgesque demonstrations and tours are great (and free). The older couples who are there as missionaries are sweet, friendly, and decidedly low-key. Ian was a participant in the rope-making demonstration, which was cool. The blacksmith who works there defied anyone to find the forge-weld on the wagon wheel, which I, of course, did within a few seconds.

He laughed and said “Maybe you should do the next demonstration.” Well, Brother Porter, in twenty years I just might, if they’ll let me make something besides horseshoes.

Well, an eventful week in the ‘Zarks. We traveled to Leasburg, MO for the National School for Paddlesports Business. I taught three courses; Advanced Marketing, Intro to Customer Relations, and Effective Retail Design and Merchandising. One of these I taught because the assigned instructor couldn’t come due to problems with travel. More on that later.

Monday morning we enjoyed a tour of Onondaga Cave. I thought this was going to be a typical local cave with a few interesting stalactites. Frankly, it is one of the most beautiful caves I have ever seen. There were large numbers of speleothems called soda straws, a fairly rare cave formation that I have never seen in such a number.

After the cave tour we went for a nice paddle on the Courtois, Huzzah and Meramec Rivers, with beautiful bluffs and abundant bird life (pileated woodpeckers, tufted titmice, cardinals, goldfinches, hairy woodpeckers and a few other various and sundry species). Ian impressed the group by paddling solo, and despite a little rain, it seemed like it was going to be a lovely week.

Then the rain started, and did not stop. Over 10 inches of rain in 24 hours, and it seemed to be concentrated in a very small watershed. The result was a 100-year flood. According to locals the last time the river crested 26 feet above flood stage was 1918.

The result was that a good deal of the resort was under 5-8 feet of water. We were fortunate to be in a cabin that was on high ground, maybe 200 yards from the river bank, but the water was 20-30 yards from the cabin at the peak of the flood.

The building in the picture is the grill, or the dining area. It was completed about two weeks ago, a brand-new facility, which made it even more sad. To show the change that 12 hours can make, here are two pictures: One of the pizza party we had on Tuesday night, and one of me paddling in the same building to retrieve any food that we might scavenge from the highest shelves. We filled two canoes and did pretty well, so much so that Wednesday evening dinner was actually pretty good.

Darren paddling indoors

Ian’s “Eye of Sauron” Pizza

As you can see, things changed from Tuesday night to Wednesday noon. Bear Bass from Ozark Outdoors was a gem from start to finish. He and his staff kept us updated on the weather as we scrambled to rearrange classes and locations as floodwaters kept us moving to ever higher ground.

In the end, the best part of the entire episode of being stranded on an island with a bunch of paddlers was the camaraderie of 50 or 60 people who all dropped everything to help each other and to help Ozark Outdoors. We all scrambled to move merchandise, clean, cook, and console each other as the waters rose ever higher. We were, in truth, in no danger at any point, but several folks were stranded away from family a few days longer than they would have preferred.

Today it was announced that the flood had receded enough for us to take a sneak out the back way, down a 12-mile logging road and back to Hwy 44. Even in evacuation, we stayed together and convoyed out of the hills, passing trickles that were just a few hours earlier raging torrents.

Not the way I wanted to spend Spring Break, but it certainly was an experience I won’t soon forget.

I know, no one calls the Ozarks the ‘Zarks, but I thought it sounded cool in a Ridgemont High Spiccoli sort of way. “Dude, surf’s totally gnarly out at the ‘Zarks.”

For the record — there is no surf at the ‘Zarks.

The good news:
1) The trip is a write-off because I’m teaching a course on merchandising and customer service for the Paddlesports Industry Association. Zzzz.zzz……
2) We get to go paddling on the Current River.
3) We get to go see Elephant Rocks again.
4) There is a good chance we’ll get some Spring ephemeral action. I’m dying for some Hepatica.

The bad news:
1) I have to teach a course on merchandising and customer service.
2) I still haven’t finished my powerpoint for one of them, and haven’t really started the one I need for the other one.
3) I don’t really feel all that badly about 2). Really. Truth is, I’ve given this talk a bunch of times and I could do it in my sleep. I’m tired from 14 straight days of work and this is the second-to-last thing I really want to do.

I am not sure of that last thing I want to do, but I imagine it has something to do with Champions on Ice.

Never volunteer for anything ever unless it involves saving puppies or adorable toddlers from unspeakable fates. Nothing else is worth it in retrospect. I know, I’m overstating my point, but jeepers…it’s so easy to say “Sure, I could do that.” It’s easier overall to say “Sorry, I need to polish my shinbones that weekend.”

Rosie is my Canadian sister who loves odonates too. She drew this on Facebook Graffiti, which is hardly a precise canvas upon which to create, but all I can say is “look at this.”

Rosemonde is an artiste du Facebook.

Monday…woke up at 7:00, went back to bed at 8:00, got up at 10:00, went back to bed at 2:30, woke up at 5:30, went to bed at 10:00. A perfect day. I felt almost human.

Tuesday…rode the new bike to work over patches of black ice (close your eyes and think non-falling-down thoughts), took a hot shower to warm up, since it was 18 degrees when I left home. Immediately started digging through the mess of consignment POs and trying to get return authorizations to send product back. A few vendors made large, bone-headed mistakes, for the which I refuse to punish them, as that’s bad karma, but I will be a little less willing to be flexible with them next year. Rode my new bike home. Sweet, no black ice, just water so my jersey was striped when I got home.

Wednesday…drove to work because Gracie was looking at me like she would just die if I left her at home another day. Did the same thing as Tuesday but got to play a few pranks on a few folks. Wrote some thank you letters and enjoyed the crazy cleanup that takes over the shop. Today I got to hand out some bonuses for the folks who worked the show, which is one of my favorite things to do.

Jeff and Darren, Quietwater Films.

Today I also got to sit down and talk to my partner, Jeff Bach, from Quietwater Films. We’ve finished three DVDs and we have three more in the works, only one of which I need to be intimately involved in. We have 90% of the funding and we can pull the trigger. We sold a ton of DVDs at Canoecopia and have three new distributors looking at them. We continue to break even at an amazing pace, which is fine for now.

Got home late, ate some great three bean salad my fantastically cool wife made. Rode the trainer while watching a DVD of Deep Space Nine (old Star Trek) with the fam. It doesn’t get much better than that.

I am hereby fully recovered. 🙂

Must sleep.